Normal

"How are you doing today Mamma?" The usual morning greeting from Nathan's teacher made it impossible to stop the tears from flowing after struggling to fight them back all morning. For the last several days I have been pushing my emotions back and not dealing with them. I tell myself that I don't have time to cry and that I don't want to be emotional or sad this Christmas season. But after the conversation with my kids this morning on the way to school I couldn't hold them back any longer. I rushed out of Nate's school and sat in my car and cried. And I'm still crying.

"I don't feel normal" Luke said on the way to school this morning. I knew what he meant by that because we were just discussing what percentage they thought I was functioning at. So I tried to make a joke and said "What??? You don't feel normal? What about me?"  His response is what started the tears:
"You don't have a mom that isn't normal". I didn't respond. There are no words.

"Mom, no one else has a scarf on their head. You are the only one wearing one." Lilly commented one day when we were out Christmas shopping. "Yes, you're right. Maybe no  one else has lost their hair from chemo so they don't need to wear one. Does it bother you that I am the only one with a scarf on?" I replied. "Yeah it does. I want you to be normal".

With no hair, no breast and no energy "normal" seems like an illusion. And maybe it is.

I cried all morning after dropping Nathan off. I cried feeling sorry for my kids. I cried wishing I could spare them the hurt and the sadness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. I cried thinking "no one understands". Yes, I know people go through trials and they suffer the pain from the consequences but I didn't DO anything to bring this on! And I cried because I can't protect my kids from their hurt. I cried because I want to be normal.

I have nothing inspirational to say. No great words of wisdom came to mind. No comforting scriptures popped into my thoughts. But I did experience peace that I know was from the Lord. Sometimes you just need a good cleansing cry and to recognize your emotional state and to be still and let God restore you. And that's what happened, God restored my soul.

After spending my morning crying I felt cleansed and emotionally stable. I put on large sunglasses to hide my red puffy eyes and got in the car to pick up Nate...without a scarf on my head. As Nathan climbed into the van his teacher looked at me and said "How are you doing today Mamma?". I smiled and said "Much better, much better".

My 3 blessings

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I LOVE Christmas time! I love all the decorations, all the lights, all the sparkles and all the excitement! I love listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies and baking Christmas goodies. But most of all I love celebrating our Lord and Savior, Jesus' birth. It really is the most wonderful time of the year!

Here are a few of my favorite ornaments

My Aunt Jean gave me this one the Christmas

 after my baby brother passed away. 

I was 7 years old.

A handmade bell from my high school

piano teacher.

I bought this Santa in Paris.

Mark bought this one for me the Christmas I was 

pregnant with our oldest Luke. I was 

8 months pregnant.

The first ornament Lilly was given.

A special handmade ornament of my baby.

One of Mark's from his childhood.

The reason we celebrate Christmas: the birth of our

Savior, Jesus Christ born to a virgin, lived a 

perfect, sinless life, died to save us 

from our sin, rose again and

is in heaven waiting

for us.

May you experience God's love and peace this holiday season and remember why we celebrate this most wonderful time of the year!

Joy in Trials

^"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

This morning as I was driving home after dropping the kids off at school I heard this verse on the Christian radio station.

It made me stop and think. How do we view our trials? Do we think of them as burdens? Or do we consider trials joy? 

How many times do we hear (or even say) "this too shall pass"? I can't tell you how many times I have had people ask me (in reference to me getting breast cancer) "why you?". 

My challenge is to take James' words to heart and to really consider it pure joy, not just joy...but pure joy when we face trials. 
God has promised us in his word that he will not give us more than we can bear and that He will give us what we need to endure it.

"¹³ No temptation* has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted* beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,* he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13 
*tempted is also translated as test/ed/ing

Not only will the trials we face strengthen our faith, produce perseverance and maturity but we will also see God's provisions as He gives us grace to endure them and then provide a way out. 

So whatever your trial may be: marriage problems, difficult children, health issues, job stress, out of work, etc just remember that God wants us to consider it joy and He will give His grace.

Side Effects of Chemo and Natural Remedies

These last few months I've learned and experienced more than I ever cared to know about chemotherapy and its horrible side effects. But I have been so blessed to be able find natural ways lessen the side effects and to help keep my body healthy during treatment.

Some of the side effects that I experienced were:
Mouth: sores, raw tongue, metal taste, sore teeth
Eyes: twitching, weepy, clogged tear duct
Body: achy bones, nausea, constipation, hot flashes
Head: headaches, memory loss
Depression
Loss of all hair

Since my decision to do chemotherapy was very difficult to make (and even more difficult to accept) the side effects really affected me emotionally. I really struggled with anexiety about what chemo would do to my body and even doubted my decision to do it. But after I began acupuncture and a friend gave me her juicer to use and I was given several natural supplements to take I felt like I was doing good things to help my body during treatments which brought some peace of mind.

Acupuncture and neural therapy helped reduce and even take away many of the side effects. I started going to acupuncture once a week but increased to three times a week.

I increased my daily consumption of supplements.

I took 3-4 Tablespoons daily of each of the Mannetech products: Ambrotose, Nutriverus, Phyl Aloe.

I continued taking my Juice Plus supplements and made sure the kids ate their JP gummies.

I started out juicing daily but during treatment week I was not able to drink anything but lemon water. Some of the veggies I juiced: kale, spinach, carrots, beets, celery, cucumber.

My good friend Cheryl is a pharmacist and she made Magic Mouth Wash which is a mixture of: Lidocain, Benedryl and Mylanta. I also rinsed nightly with a warm salt water rinse.

One of the ways I tried to keep us from getting sick with common colds and other germs the kids could pick up from school was to give them silver and vinegar.

Bragg's Vinegar with the "Mother". A couple teaspoons a day whenever the kids got sick or I felt I was at risk of getting sick.

I continued to drink SueroViv which is one of Beyond Organics hydrating drinks. It restores, replenishes, rehydrates while supplying the body with essential oils, antioxidants and probiotics.

I won a bottle of Revitin in drawing. It is a natural mouth care paste that is gentle yet effective in cleansing. Great to use when suffering with mouth sores and raw tongue.

The dry skin brush help relieve the itchy dry skin as well as cleanse the body from toxins. I have been using it to help keep from getting lymphoma after having so many lymph nodes removed.

Prayer is the best and most powerful thing you or I could do in my fight with cancer! Thank you all who have prayed for me!!

Love and Support

My parents, George and Ruth Smith have sacrificed so much to help my family out during my fight with breast cancer. My mom flew out with just a weeks notice in May and stayed two weeks to help my family for my mastectomy surgery. They were both able to fly out and spend two weeks with us in August to help with my 2nd chemotherapy treatment. 

My Aunt Mary flew out for a week after my 2nd treatment and was here with my parents and sisters. She spoiled me and loved on the kids. 

My sweet Aunt Betty flew out to help us with my 3rd treatment. She was so much fun to have around! She even took Mark and the kids to Disney!

My special friend, Joan, flew in to help with my 4th treatment. She is such an encourager and had calming way with the kids.

 My wonderful Mother-In-Law, Pam, came for my 5th treatment. My kids enjoyed the special time with grandma and I enjoyed the deep cleaning she did!

My dad, flew out for the week of my 6th and final treatment and at the last minute my mom was able to come out for the following week. She flew in the night before he left. The love, prayers and support from my family has sustained me through these difficult months.

I am so thankful for my family and friends who have sacrificed their time and money to make sure someone was here to take care of me and my family during each treatment.

Pink Game

On Friday October 19th, Holy Trinity Episcopal Academy, the high school that my husband Mark, is the head football coach at, honored me by having a "Pink Game". The school had special shirts made that said "Cheering for Katie" on the front. Everyone wore the pink shirts to the game and our side of the stands was colored pink! They had pink bead necklaces, pink cupcakes, pink cake-pops, pink tables, pink donation cans, pink, pink, pink! 

Words cannot express the emotions that I felt when the athletic director from First Academy in Orlando presented me with a check from his school. I was already overcome with emotions from all that Holy Trinity had done for me that special night! And then to be blessed by the opposing team, I was just a crying mess!

Then to add my tears after First Academy gave me their check our school's athletic director informed me that Holy Trinity was raising money for our family through the donation cans they had around the stadium, and giving me half of the proceeds from the gate, concessions and 50-50 raffle!

It was an incredible night and a special way to be honored. I am so thankful for all the love and support everyone has given to me and my family!

Friday October 19, 2012

Holy Trinity vs. First Academy

Me with the gate ladies

The sign for the players to run through

Pink and white streamers

Me with the cheerleaders 

Theresa and Cheryl

 two friends who encourage and support me

Receiving a check from 1st Academy

Treatments by Pictures

July 9, 2012 

1st Treatment

July 31, 2012

2nd Treatment

August 21, 2012

3rd Treatment

September 11, 2012

4th Treatment

October 2, 2012

5th Treatment

October 23, 2012

6th and

FINAL Treatment