Normal

"How are you doing today Mamma?" The usual morning greeting from Nathan's teacher made it impossible to stop the tears from flowing after struggling to fight them back all morning. For the last several days I have been pushing my emotions back and not dealing with them. I tell myself that I don't have time to cry and that I don't want to be emotional or sad this Christmas season. But after the conversation with my kids this morning on the way to school I couldn't hold them back any longer. I rushed out of Nate's school and sat in my car and cried. And I'm still crying.

"I don't feel normal" Luke said on the way to school this morning. I knew what he meant by that because we were just discussing what percentage they thought I was functioning at. So I tried to make a joke and said "What??? You don't feel normal? What about me?"  His response is what started the tears:
"You don't have a mom that isn't normal". I didn't respond. There are no words.

"Mom, no one else has a scarf on their head. You are the only one wearing one." Lilly commented one day when we were out Christmas shopping. "Yes, you're right. Maybe no  one else has lost their hair from chemo so they don't need to wear one. Does it bother you that I am the only one with a scarf on?" I replied. "Yeah it does. I want you to be normal".

With no hair, no breast and no energy "normal" seems like an illusion. And maybe it is.

I cried all morning after dropping Nathan off. I cried feeling sorry for my kids. I cried wishing I could spare them the hurt and the sadness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. I cried thinking "no one understands". Yes, I know people go through trials and they suffer the pain from the consequences but I didn't DO anything to bring this on! And I cried because I can't protect my kids from their hurt. I cried because I want to be normal.

I have nothing inspirational to say. No great words of wisdom came to mind. No comforting scriptures popped into my thoughts. But I did experience peace that I know was from the Lord. Sometimes you just need a good cleansing cry and to recognize your emotional state and to be still and let God restore you. And that's what happened, God restored my soul.

After spending my morning crying I felt cleansed and emotionally stable. I put on large sunglasses to hide my red puffy eyes and got in the car to pick up Nate...without a scarf on my head. As Nathan climbed into the van his teacher looked at me and said "How are you doing today Mamma?". I smiled and said "Much better, much better".

My 3 blessings