New Years Resolutions

I don't really like New Years. I don't know why but it just makes me feel blah,  kind of bummed out or maybe a better way to describe is "let down". . Maybe it's because I have never done anything super fun to ring in the New Year. Or maybe it's because I don't like getting older. Or maybe it's because I don't like New Years Resolutions. But what ever the reason may be, I just know that I don't like New Years and I never make resolutions...until this year.

This year was typical of all the others, just a quiet night at home with my family to bring in the New Year. We allowed the kids to stay up late (they wanted to try to stay awake to watch the ball drop) and to light some fire crackers in the back yard. And New Years day was just as ordinary as any other...nothing special to write about or resolutions to record and commit to. But after a few days I realized that I needed to do something to help me stay accountable to my commitment to read my Bible. So on January 4th I made the commitment to read through the entire Bible in 90 days! Yikes! That's a lot of reading each day!! I am using the Bible App on my phone and each day I get a reminder that includes the day, date and the book/chapters that I need to read. It's great because I can "check" it off when I finish each chapter. After 5 days, I will confess that I have fallen behind in my reading but I will catch up and finish in the 90 days. I love having a goal, a plan to meet the goal and seeing the daily progress (checking each chapter off on my phone app). I'm excited to see what God will reveal to me during this 90 day journey in His word.

I still want to figure out a way to be excited about New Years. Maybe I can find a fun way to ring in the New Year, like go to New York City and watch the ball drop in Times Square? Or attend a party where I can get all dressed up? Or  maybe just have some family and friends over for a fun game night!  What ever way you ring in the New Year and what ever your resolutions may be, I hope that you make time to study God's word and grow more in His knowledge and grace this year.

Reflections

I can't say that I'm sad for 2013 to be over. It was another tough year for me not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. As I reflect on the past 12 months, I realize that the let down I felt this past year was due to the fact that I welcomed 2013 with high expectation to be "so much better" than 2012. I was excited to say good bye to the difficulties of 2012...the sadness of a miscarriage and the emotional and physical pain of breast cancer. But 2013 proved to be just as difficult as the previous year just in different ways.

As I was reflecting on the challenges of this past year and praying for the new year, the Lord brought this verse to mind.

"The mind of man plans his own ways, but the Lord directs his steps". Proverbs 16:9

This past year I have learned more about myself. How strong I really am yet how much I need the Lord. My prayers for 2014 is to seek God above all else and to allow Him direct each and every step of my life.

Normal

"How are you doing today Mamma?" The usual morning greeting from Nathan's teacher made it impossible to stop the tears from flowing after struggling to fight them back all morning. For the last several days I have been pushing my emotions back and not dealing with them. I tell myself that I don't have time to cry and that I don't want to be emotional or sad this Christmas season. But after the conversation with my kids this morning on the way to school I couldn't hold them back any longer. I rushed out of Nate's school and sat in my car and cried. And I'm still crying.

"I don't feel normal" Luke said on the way to school this morning. I knew what he meant by that because we were just discussing what percentage they thought I was functioning at. So I tried to make a joke and said "What??? You don't feel normal? What about me?"  His response is what started the tears:
"You don't have a mom that isn't normal". I didn't respond. There are no words.

"Mom, no one else has a scarf on their head. You are the only one wearing one." Lilly commented one day when we were out Christmas shopping. "Yes, you're right. Maybe no  one else has lost their hair from chemo so they don't need to wear one. Does it bother you that I am the only one with a scarf on?" I replied. "Yeah it does. I want you to be normal".

With no hair, no breast and no energy "normal" seems like an illusion. And maybe it is.

I cried all morning after dropping Nathan off. I cried feeling sorry for my kids. I cried wishing I could spare them the hurt and the sadness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. I cried thinking "no one understands". Yes, I know people go through trials and they suffer the pain from the consequences but I didn't DO anything to bring this on! And I cried because I can't protect my kids from their hurt. I cried because I want to be normal.

I have nothing inspirational to say. No great words of wisdom came to mind. No comforting scriptures popped into my thoughts. But I did experience peace that I know was from the Lord. Sometimes you just need a good cleansing cry and to recognize your emotional state and to be still and let God restore you. And that's what happened, God restored my soul.

After spending my morning crying I felt cleansed and emotionally stable. I put on large sunglasses to hide my red puffy eyes and got in the car to pick up Nate...without a scarf on my head. As Nathan climbed into the van his teacher looked at me and said "How are you doing today Mamma?". I smiled and said "Much better, much better".

My 3 blessings

Acupuncture is Therapy

"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but this looks like cancer". From the time I heard those words come out of Dr. Sherman's mouth on May 4th, 2012, my focus and goal was to find an alternative natural treatment to chemo.

I wanted a naturalist who could either help me find a natural alternative to chemo or if I chose to do chemo could help give me information to restore my body during the treatment process. I knew that there is a wealth of information on the internet and plenty of books written on the subject that I could read but the problem I had was: information overload! Especially when I was recovering from a major surgery and was already mentally and emotionally drained. I kept coming up on dead ends. I could not find the right person or book or idea that I believed in. I was extremely frustrated.

Just a couple days after I had a phone conversation with a breast cancer survivor who had told me to look into acupuncture, I received a Living Social email that had a great deal for a local Acupuncturist. Before I bought the Living Social deal I called to get some information. I asked if she had previously worked with chemo patients and explained my situation and asked her how she could help me. I asked her what she would do and how exactly it would help my body. I then explained my financial situation.

She was so kind and took the time to explain how acupuncture works and how it would help my body during chemo. She then told me that she was more interested in helping me through this process than she was worried about how I would pay for it and that we could work something out.

One week to the day after my first chemo appointment I entered Amy Oros' beautiful yellow office that had a wooden desk and antique chair, some pretty pictures on the cheery walls; I met her smiling face and I immediately knew I found the right place to start my journey to restore my body. The treatment room was painted two shades of relaxing green with another antique looking wooden table that held a mini waterfall. The walls had relaxing water pictures and the music was a soothing piano medley.

Amy asked me some questions about my treatment, about the concerns I had about chemo and what exactly I desired to obtain from acupuncture and neural therapy. I answered those questions but then found myself dumping and unloading the past several months worth of worry and stress on her. I began to cry and share all my fears about what I felt chemo was doing to my body. I was a wreck! Amy was so kind and comforting. She listened and asked questions and I felt that she truly did care. She gave me some great advice that I have keep coming back to during my treatment process. She helped me change the way I view the treatments and she also helped me realized that changing the words that I call things will help change my mental state. So I no longer us the word "chemo" I call it "treatment". I try to not say "cancer" instead I use the Chinese word "phlem". I no longer view treatments as "harming and destroying "my body, killing both the good and the bad but instead as medicine that will kill the bad and help me live a long healthy life. She used a vivid analogy "Imagine the medicine (chemo/treatment) as the national guard going into your body. It is there to defend and protect the good and to kill the bad". Visualizing the treatment in my body killing the bad and protecting the good has really helped changed my mental and emotional perspective of this process.

My weekly acupuncture sessions are the highlight of my week! I look forward to my sessions not just receiving the acupuncture but talking to Amy and sharing my emotions as well. I feel safe to share with Amy my deepest concerns and anxieties (which I is why I joke that she is my personal therapists!). Sometimes it's important to let out those thoughts, frustrations, fears and anxieties in a safe place.

The time I lay "setting" with the needles poked in me is my alone and quiet time. The lights are dimmed low, the sound of the waterfall and the music playing soothes and relaxes every muscle in my body. I use that time of peace and serenity to reflect, pray and give thanks. I pour my heart out to the Lord asking him for healing of my body, protection for my children, for comfort and peace for my family. I thank him for the many blessings he has given to us during this trial. When I stop to think and reflect on the blessings I am brought to tears...God has been so good to us!

Not only does acupuncture relieve the physical side effects of my treatment (achy body, headaches, the tin taste in my mouth, mouth sores, constipation, etc) it is also a time a peace an tranquility for my heart and soul.

What if....

What if...

• I get sick and hospitalized?
• The cancer has spread and I don't know it?
• The cancer comes back in 10 years?
• My body (liver/kidneys) is damaged from the chemo?
• I'm never healed?
• I never feel good/normal/strong again?
• My kids reject the Lord?
• Mark dies?
• My kids die?
• We can't get out of debt?
• I can't find a job?
• I get a job I hate?

My good friend, Joan, came to help us for my 4th round of treatment . She is a godly woman and a special friend and I love her dearly. Joan and her husband Mark influenced our lives spiritually more than anyone else. I learned more in the three years that I sat under Pastor Mark's preaching than I have under any other pastor. I am blessed and thankful to call them friends! 

During her time here helping us Joan and I were able to talk a lot; she encouraged me through scripture and challenged me to really trust the Lord in all things. One day after she left, I dropped the kids off at school and took my Bible and my journal and went to the beach. I spent a couple hours listening to the crashing waves and enjoying the warmth of the sun and really gave it some thought...and prayer!

What if?

To be honest, I didn't find the peace I was looking for. I didn't get the answers I wanted or the reassurance that none of those things would happen. We live in a sin-filled world. There's diseases, death, heartaches and a lot of pain and suffering and any one of those questions could happen. I could not be healed. I could have the cancer come back later in life. My husband or kids could die. We could always struggle financially. 

But I do know that God is still God and always will be. I do know that he promises to never leave us or forsake us. Joshua 1:5 "As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."

And I do know that I can give him my worries and my fears and I don't have to be burdened down by them. Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The God who created all things: the ocean, the birds, me! Loves me and wants me to trust in Him and to cast my cares/stress/anxiety on Him so that I can rest in His peace for the future. So that is what I'll do. 

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, for he cares for you".