How it all began

In January 2012, Mark and I were surprised to find out that we were expecting our 4th child. In fact, I took the pregnancy test on our youngest child's 4th birthday. Like I said, we were definitely surprised! We thought we were finished having babies and I was looking for jobs for the upcoming year...having a baby was not in our plans! In fact, I did not have any medical insurance...

Mark came around to the idea fast than I did. He started talking about life with a new baby, discussing baby names and secretly (well not too secretly hoping for a boy). I was tired and feeling yucky and not too excited. I spent a lot of time laying on the couch! Even though I had a few "morning sickness" symptoms it was different from my previous 3 pregnancies and that had me concerned.

I quickly applied for Medicaid...and was approved due to our financial status. But like any government program it takes time to process and be approved. During the waiting/approval process I began to anxious about my baby. I felt that something was wrong. I really wanted to be seen by a doctor and reassured that my baby was healthy and all was ok with my pregnancy. However, no doctor would see me until Medicaid was approved. Thankfully I found a local pregnancy center who offered to do an ultrasound for free!

On February 14th I went to the pregnancy resource center to have an ultrasound and see my baby for the first time. On the drive there I called my mom and told her "I just want to have this ultrasound to check to make sure everything is ok". I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I was right. The sweet girl who did the ultra sound said  that she couldn't find a baby in the sac she referred me to the ER for further testing (only because no OBGYN would see me until Medicaid had been processed but the ER would take me with  pending Medicaid). I came home and put on a brave face for my family. I made a special Valentines dinner and served it on china. But later broke down and cried telling my husband that something was very wrong.

February 16th was my 33rd birthday...it was uneventful and mostly sad.

February 18th I drove myself to the ER to get more tests to verify whether or not I had a blighted ovum, molar pregnancy, tubal pregnancy or if the baby had just died in the sac. I spent 5 hours there and had many test run and exams done. It was confirmed that even though I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant my baby had died at 6 weeks gestation. I was devastated! I hadn't even begun to get excited about having a baby and now my baby was dead. Since I was not bleeding the ER would not do anything else for me. I was not considered an emergency so they sent me home. Life went on...that evening we met up with a group of coaches and their wives for dinner that had been planned.

Life goes on...I waited to miscarry on my own but days went on and nothing started. I finally called the Health Department and made an appointment with their OBGYN's. I was seen immediately and treated with such kindness and care and sympathy for the loss of my baby. They tried to schedule a D &C but the hospital denied it since Medicaid was still pending and this wasn't an emergency procedure. So I waited, still feeling and looking pregnant but knowing that my baby inside of me was dead.

One night after I put the kids to bed I begun cramping. By the time I got back downstairs to lay on the couch I was in extreme pain. I knew that I had begun the miscarriage process.

I was so mad and sad...I cried out to God saying "why did you allow me to get pregnant and go through the stress of a surprise pregnancy and the stress that it created in our family only to loose the baby that I hadn't even had time to get excited about??? why?"

A few weeks later I found a lump in my right breast...